


After the Lobotomy

by AzulDemon



Series: Ashes of Arkham [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham (Video Games), Batman: Arkham - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Batman: Arkham Knight DLC Spoilers, Batman: Arkham Knight Spoilers, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Smut, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Post-Batman: Arkham Knight, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mostly...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14564670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzulDemon/pseuds/AzulDemon
Summary: Jason had been an idiot.  How could he have ever thought he could be free?  How had he thought that he could be anything other than the monster the Joker had made him?He had thought that maybe being with Dick would fix things.  He had thought that maybe Dick: golden, beautiful Dick Grayson could have filled him with all that light he carried around inside of him.  He thought he could replace the rotting hate and madness inside of him with that light.He was a fucking idiot.The sequel/companion fic to Ashes of Arkham, while it's not exactly necessary to read the before mentioned fic in this series to get this fic it is highly recommended in order to get the full effect.





	After the Lobotomy

**Author's Note:**

> You guys! Your kudos and comments were so amazing that I decided to reward you guys with over 10k words of Jason Todd angst and brooding…*shrugs*...sorry?
> 
> Also, it's national mental health month and this felt very appropriate!
> 
> SPOILER WARNING: for Batman Arkham Knight all associated DLC.  
> TRIGGER WARNING: for panic attacks, brief thoughts of suicide, and implied history of torture. If any of those things are issues for you please approach with care.
> 
> If you enjoy this please leave comments. I love chatting with you all!
> 
> p.s. I don't own these characters or this universe, this is just for fun and practice.

Jason skimmed along the cozy brim between sleep and wakefulness. 

Everything was filtered in glowing amber hues; the bed was warm and it smelled of an enrapturing mix of he and Dick Grayson. 

He and Dick Grayson… _shit…_

Jason Todd and Dick _Fucking_ Grayson!

He smirked uncontrollably into the pillow. 

He still couldn’t believe it.Dick Grayson had kissed him.Dick Grayson had said he could live with him.Dick Grayson wanted him.He had just spent the morning having _sex_ with Dick Grayson.It was unreal.The fifteen-year-old inside of him was freaking out.

He felt like he could swallow the moon whole.

Jason allowed his ridiculous grin to linger since he was alone.Dick had gone to get them breakfast.Because there was nothing aside from cereal and two-day-old pizza in the apartment (because Dick was a man-child). 

Jason had elected to stay behind; he just wasn’t ready to get up and go out into the world.He wanted to live in this moment as long as he could.This moment where every muscle in his body was humming in the most delicious ache he had ever felt, like each and every fiber had been stretched and kneaded into buttery softness.He didn’t want to break the spell.

He was happy. 

What the fuck? 

Jason Todd was actually happy. 

For the first time since he was a punk kid living on the streets of Gotham, he believed that he could maybe be made up of more than anger and hate.Who the hell would have ever guessed?

It was the insistent, swelling pressure in his bladder that finally forced him from the bed to go and take a leak.He peeled himself grudgingly out of the bed and stretched a long luxurious stretch before padding into the bathroom. 

He was washing his hands when the lights suddenly flickered.He frowned and his eyes cut up to the vanity lights above the mirror.They flickered again along with a static buzz and hollow plink.He jerked up quickly, his whole body instantly alert and his senses alight and prickling.He turned his head but instead of golden-hued sunlight streaming into the apartment, there was smoggy darkness and the strobe of harsh fluorescent lighting. 

His breathing began coming in clipped, harsh gulps.He darted his gaze around and around in a frantic circuit.When they landed back on the mirror he went rigid, his entrails going cold.The bathroom mirror was slashed through with gashes of yellow paint that read:“Ha, ha, ha, ha!” in cramped, severe letters.

Sweat oozed from his skin in beady droplets.He felt his heart collide with his breastbone as it raced violently.He shook his head and closed his eyes.

_Breathe!_ He screamed inside his skull. _Breathe goddamnit!_

He fought to push air through a windpipe that felt like it had constricted to the diameter of a cocktail straw.

“No, no, no, no…” he pleaded.Hating how high and whiny his voice became.

When he opened his eyes he felt his stomach heave.His reflection grinned back at him with a maniacal smirk.His lips were red as freshly opened flesh; his skin was pallid as a waterlogged corpse; his hair was a sick, dingy green. 

Laughter cackled throughout the apartment, crazed and taunting.His reflection continued to grin back at him, eyes bird-bright, head tilting to one side and then the next. 

“No, no, no, no…”His voice had gotten louder, more frantic.

The laughter was louder, closer.He knew that laughter.

The sound of iron dragging across concrete bounded off of the walls.

That horrible grin on his face, the malice, the madness, he couldn’t stand it.Every cell in his body felt like it was crying out and trying to flee in opposite directions.

“NO!”He screamed and slammed his fist into the mirror, right into the center of that vile face that stared back at him, pretending to be him.

_That’s not me!_

The glass shattered.

Pain splintered from his knuckles and up into his arm; slippery-slick warmth slid between his fingers and pooled into his palm.The pain felt good; it felt _real_.

“Jason!”

He turned, ferocious and feral, ready to attack.

Dick was behind him in the doorway, paper bag in hand, eyes wide and worried.Jason blinked and the apartment was full of morning sun once again; everything was like it should be—except the broken mirror. 

He looked down at the shards of glass and his bleeding knuckles.He felt sick.He looked up at Dick’s fear-stricken face.His gut spasmed violently and his mouth filled suddenly with thick syrupy saliva.He spun and dove over the toilet bowl and retched.His throat burned and his eyes watered. 

He heard the rustle of paper and then there were hands on his back rubbing circles between his shoulder blades.

“It’s okay, Little Wing,” Dick whispered.

It wasn’t okay.Jason had been an idiot.How could he have ever thought he could be free?How had he thought that he could be anything other than the monster the Joker had made him?

He had thought that maybe being with Dick would fix things.He had thought that maybe Dick: golden, beautiful Dick Grayson could have filled him with all that light he carried around inside of him.He thought he could replace the rotting hate and madness inside of him with that light.

He was a fucking idiot.

He flinched away from Dick’s hands.“Don’t touch me.”

Dick yanked his hand back.He lingered for a moment but then walked out of the bathroom.Jason heard the rustle of paper again—their breakfast, he realized. 

He vomited again.

He knew what was coming next. 

Dick would realize this had all been a colossal mistake.He’d leave and wait for Jason to get the hint or he would come back and tell Jason this was a stupid idea and he needed to leave.Knowing Dick he would try and be kind and say that they needed to slow things down or give him the whole “It’s not you.It’s me” routine.Either way, Jason knew this thing between them—whatever it was—was over.

Jason wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and dropped to sit on the floor, his back to the edge of the tub.

_You’re pathetic._ He told himself bitterly.

Dick walked back in with a glass of water and a first aid kit.Jason realized he had been bleeding all over the damn bathroom.Dick didn’t say a word; he just handed Jason the water and then sat next to him on the bathroom floor.Jason took the water on reflex and decided he really did want to get the taste of bile and last nights Chinese out of his mouth.He took a sip and swished it around between his teeth before spitting it out.

Meanwhile, Dick had taken to dabbing at his cut-up knuckles, plucking out a shard of glass and tossing it into the trash.He cleaned the cuts and then bandaged them, his gestures slow and soft.

When he was done Jason braced himself for the news he knew was coming.

But Dick didn’t say anything.He just sat there.He didn’t try to reach for him but he was close enough that their legs and arms were pressed together.

After a long while, Jason couldn’t handle the silence anymore.

“What are we doing?”He demanded.

Dick angled his head to look at him.“I don’t know.”

“What do you _mean_ you don’t know?”

“You didn’t want me to touch you.You don’t seem like you want to talk.”He shrugged.Half of Dick’s communication was shoulder shrugs and inelegant hand gestures.“So I’m just here.”

“Are you for real?”Jason shot, his tone mocking and barbed.

Anger had always been a fantastic bodyguard for his more vulnerable emotions.The streets had taught him that a long time ago.

Dick looked a little irritated, lines forming on his brow and his eyes narrowing.

Good, Jason could deal with irritated.He didn’t know what to do with all of Dick’s god damn compassion.

“I don’t know what else to do, Jay.”

“If you were smart you’d realize that I’m too fucked up and that this was a horrible idea.Then you’d tell me to get out of your apartment.Then if you were _really_ smart you’d pack up and move to another secured location I don’t know about.”

Jason was surprised to see real rage behind Dick’s deep blue eyes.“Is that what you think of me?”

The stab of guilt and shame was more intense and sudden than he was expecting.He felt it pierce at the core of the anger he had brought to bear. 

“I’m not going anywhere,”Dick informed him, jaw tight and set.“I don’t regret any of this.I’m here.You’re just going to have to deal with it.”

Jason felt like he might be sick again.He closed his eyes but the tears came anyway.The words were coming before he even knew what he was going to say.“He’s still in my head…” he clenched his teeth to try and steady his voice.“I’m so fucked up, Dick…”

And then Dick grabbed him by the fabric of his shirt and pulled him into a crushing hug like he just couldn’t stand it anymore.Jason buried his face in his shoulder and fucking sobbed like the pathetic shell of a man he was.He clutched at Dick and knew that his nails must be scratching into Dick’s back as he did so but Dick only squeezed him tighter.

“I love you,”Dick whispered against his ear. 

Jason felt his face heat up as those three words sank in.

“I’m not going anywhere.”Dick continued on as if he hadn’t just made the monumental declaration he just had.“You’re not getting rid of me, you self-sacrificing fuck.I love you.”

Jason shuddered and burrowed his face even more forcefully into Dick’s shoulder.

Duel urges warred inside of him.One part of him was demanding he rekindle his anger and lash out at Dick and leave, save them both from this ill-fated thing that was happening between them.Another part, the newer part, only wanted to be near Dick, addicted to the safeness that he provided.

Jason lost track of time but eventually got it together enough to pull away from Dick.

“You’re an idiot.”He told Dick.

_Jesus, Todd, you’re one ungrateful bastard._

Dick only smiled and reached up and touched his palm to Jason’s cheek (the one without the scar) and stroked his thumb under his eye before leaning in a pressing a lingering kiss to the bridge of Jason’s nose.

“C’mon, I got us soufflé’s, coffee and chocolate crescents from this French Bakery down the street.The hipsters love it.”

Jason found himself smiling a small pitiful smile.Because Dick was infectious; just being around him was enough to give you some kind of contact high.

“Alright,” he muttered and pushed to his feet.

He extended a hand that Dick took and he pulled the other man to his feet.He turned and began heading to the kitchen when he spun around suddenly and planted a quick peck on Dick’s cheek.

“Thanks, Dickie-bird.” He murmured, almost too low for Dick to hear but he knew he heard.He could feel it like there was a happy hum in the air all of a sudden.That and Dick reached out and took his hand.

-0-0-0-

Dick (and the hipsters of Bludhaven, because hipsters were like roaches and could be found _anywhere_ ) had been right, the food from that French cafe was pretty damn delicious.It was almost enough to drag Jason out of his head and his twisted past and into the present.

Almost.

Jason insisted he clean up the mess he had made of Dick’s bathroom and Dick insisted on helping.The entire ordeal had him feeling like he might teeter back into whatever screwed up mental state he had been in that morning.

So he decided to spend an hour making out and cuddling with Dick.That did the trick.Every kiss from Dick demanded Jason’s full attention, every touch drew Jason out of himself.They were like a couple of stupid teenagers again.Jason supposed they were making up for lost time.

Eventually, Dick collapsed back onto the couch, skin pink with the light burn from Jason’s stubble and lips swollen from kissing.He immediately began to doze off.His hands reached out and tugged Jason down after him using him like a human blanket or something.

“Y’need to rest, Little Wing.”Dick had said when Jason had grunted while simultaneously wiggling in close.“Bet you haven’t been sleeping.”

Of course, Jason hadn’t been fucking sleeping! 

When he slept that was when his mind sucked him back into the horror that had been his time with the Joker and Harley.Sleep was to be avoided at all costs.Except maybe being close to Dick could keep all of that at bay.Maybe the assurance of being pressed in close to him could persuade his subconscious that he wasn’t in that hellhole anymore; that he far away from that place and somewhere good.So he snuggled in close and tried to let Dick’s steady breaths rock him to sleep like they had the night before.

But sleep eluded him.He had too much frenzied energy crawling underneath his skin.His mind kept posing questions and chewing over doubts. 

He reluctantly disentangled himself from Dick and the other man sighed something in protest before turning and pushing into the cushions at the back of the couch.

Something sharp pierced through Jason as he watched Dick.It hurt worse than anything that had been done to him in the darkness of Arkham.He knew what he was probably feeling but he still wasn’t ready to put words to those feelings yet. 

He ran timid fingers through Dick’s hair before walking into the training room.

He stepped up onto the mats and began stretching, timing his breaths with the tension and release of his muscles; trying to remaster the paired muscle and breath exercises that had been the foundation of his training; trying to recapture the calm it brought; trying to force out that lingering panic.

He halted mid-way through the routine when he heard a low, throaty chuckle.He frowned and tried to go back to the motions, tried to reclaim his steady breathing but he stumbled when the laughter came again, louder this time.

Jason bit the inside of his bottom lip and walked out of the training room.

“Dick,” he whispered hopefully but knew that Dick’s laugh had never sounded like that, like a bubbling crescendo of madness and depravity.

When he walked back into the living area he seized up.

The Joker was strutting around the living room, lanky limbs moving as though on parade.

**_“Did you really think you could get rid of me, Toddy-Boy?”_** The Joker sneered through his crooked, yellow teeth.

Jason held his breath and clenched his fists as the Joker continued his waltz around the apartment.He stopped when he reached Dick sleeping on the couch.He bent at the waist and whistled and made to comb his fingers through Dick’s hair just as Jason had only a few minutes before.

“ _Don’t!_ ”Jason growled through the clamped parapet of his teeth.

The Joker jumped up and did a jaunty little dance. ** _“Ooooh hooo!While the Bat’s away the birdies will play, eh?”_** He teased.Again he chuckled.It was like spiders skittering in Jason’s ear-canals. ** _“Old stuffy wuffy, Brucie woocie wouldn’t have liked this set up one little bit.”_** And then he broke out into that high maniacal cackle that laugh that had Jason both wanting to attack and flee. ** _“Wouldn’t have liked his dirty, stray street-pigeon fouling up his pretty birdie…”_** He grinned and giggled menacingly and drew out his next words in a slow, throaty drawl.“ ** _Not one little bit.”_**

The truth of those words cut deep.He still remembered the night he and Dick had almost shared their first kiss.He had been so desperate for Dick, straining his neck to get a taste of him, burning with the realization that Dick’s fingers had started to thread through his own against the training mat.

He also remembered the look in Bruce’s eyes when he had interrupted them.He remembered the sheer force of his rage.It had sent Jason scurrying up to his room in the manor full of acrid shame and resentment.

He didn’t know what had been said between Dick and Bruce after he’d fled.He didn’t know why the prospect of Dick and Jason together made Bruce so angry.The bastard had had love affairs with both Talia al Ghul and Selina Kyle—fucking bad guys!Hypocritical was not a strong enough word.

Then Dick had stayed away, not a call or a text.Jason had known that it had to be him.Bruce would have never approved of his favorite disciple becoming involved with his vagrant, troublemaker assistant.Or maybe it was the gay thing.In either case, he had been sure Bruce would have been happy to have Dick and Barbara end up together and Dick had obviously come to his senses.

So Jason had decided he didn’t need them.He’d struck out to deal with the Joker on his own and had ruined his own fucking life.It hadn’t been long till he was begging for Batman and Nightwing to save him. 

Jason disgusted himself.

In the end, Bruce had called Jason Robin and it had reached through the swirling storm of insanity and venom and it had awoken something of Jason’s old self.It had also broken something.Deep down he believed Bruce had been sorry, that Bruce had truly searched for him.He believed that Bruce cared.But he also felt certain Bruce would think Dick was too good for Jason…

**_“How long until pretty boy here realizes you’re not worth a damn?”_** The Joker mused still too close to Dick.It was making Jason wild with rage. ** _“I can see why you’d want to try…”_** he dipped his sharp nose close to Dick’s cheek. ** _“He is veeerrry pretty…”_**

Jason felt like he was about to erupt.He stalked forward.“Stay away from him!Don’t you _ever_ fucking touch him!”

Dick stirred and mumbled out Jason’s name.

The Joker walked over to him and Jason took an involuntary step back. ** _“I already have.”_** He hissed. ** _“Because I am you.”_**

That was too much, Jason stumbled back and screwed his eyes shut and started to tear at his own hair violently.“You’renotreal, you’renotreal, you’renotreal…”He prayed over and over and over again.

“Jay!”It was Dick.

He heard him rushing to his feet and Jason couldn’t stand to see the fear and pity on his face.He whirled and fled into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.He heard Dick knock, heard him asking urgent questions through the door.He knew Dick could easily break the door down but he was banking on Dick being too much of a gentleman to intrude when he thought Jason wanted to be alone.

Jason turned on the shower and didn’t even bother to remove his clothes and stood under the icy downpour.His body immediately began to shiver but he didn’t move.He stayed under the spray and lost himself in the sharp cold that seeped into his core.There was nothing but the cold.Then he was numb, his body still shook but he was blissfully numb. 

Every time a part of his mind suggested he turn off the water or that he was going to make himself sick, he recoiled from those thoughts and remained rooted under the water.If he left all the madness would come creeping back to claim him.

Eventually, exhaustion began to take over.Jason finally shut off the shower and slipped and stumbled out of the Bathroom.Dick almost fell backward into the bathroom.Apparently, he had been sitting with his back to the door.His hair was wild from where his hands had obviously been pushing through it repeatedly.

“Little Wing?”Dick asked softly, getting to his feet slowly, as though worried he might startle Jason.

Everything felt kind of distant.It was like he was somewhere apart from the world.His thoughts, his emotions, all felt like they were trapped behind a sheet of ice.Maybe he had frozen over.

Dick finally reached out to touch him and his face twisted into a mix of fear and agony.

“Jesus, Jason you’re frozen.”

_Yeah, of course, that’s the point, Dickie-bird._ Some part of him sighed through the frozen wall inside of him. 

Dick immediately darted for a towel and started peeling Jason out of his sodden clothes and drying him.Jason didn’t fight him, he just complied mechanically. 

Once he was dry he allowed Dick to usher him into the bedroom and be pushed onto the bed naked and covered with the sheets and blankets.Dick left and came back with hot tea that he managed to get Jason to swallow a few mouth fulls of.Then he stripped himself down and pressed himself against Jason’s frigid body.He felt Dick shiver but it only seemed to make him more determined as his arms gripped Jason tighter.

Dick was warm.He was always so fucking warm.Jason thought that maybe a piece of the sun lived inside of Dick.Jason wasn’t making any sense, even to himself.He was so fucking tired.His eyes felt like they had sand under the lids. 

He closed his eyes.

“What happened,” he heard Dick ask.His voice wavered over each word.“Jay, what’s going on.You’ve got to talk to me.Please, Little Wing…”He realized Dick was crying and he just kept pleading with Jason over and over.

Jason hated those tears.

He pushed back into Dick, took one of his hands in his own and brought it up to his chest.Then he let the darkness take him.

-0-0-0-

Everything was a foggy blur for Jason.The waking world was a plane of half-states, never truly occupying one space or another. 

But mostly he slept.

When he was awake he remained in that detached manner that had overtaken him after his icy shower, silent and staring.He felt so far from everything like he was looking at it all from a distance.Not even his rage seemed to manage to boil up through it.

The first time he woke Dick was there, arm around his waist over the blankets.He somehow seemed to sense Jason’s shift in consciousness and leaned up to look down at him.

“You hungry?”He asked, doe-eyed and voice wavering ever so slightly.He was trying to maintain control.

Jason remained silent.

“How about some water?”

Silence.

“Should I call someone?”

Jason closed his eyes and sank back into sleep.

The next time he woke Dick was tucking the comforter more securely around him, keeping him sealed in and warm.

This time when Dick spoke his words had lost all semblance of control.His voice was jagged as broken glass.

“I’m lost here, Jay.Help me out.What do I do?What do you need?”

His eyes were heavy again. _How the hell should I know?_

Jason didn’t know the first thing about what he needed right now.He didn’t even know what the hell was going on with him.His limbs just felt heavy and the thought of being awake seemed unbearable.He didn’t want to be awake.If he was awake there would be pain.But then sleeping and laying like this was its own kind of pain, it was a weight; it was like gravity was shoving on him harder than everyone else.He felt trapped.

Eventually, Dick stopped trying to talk to him when he woke.Instead, he remained doggedly by his side.No matter how deep the fog, no matter how far out of himself he was, he could always feel Dick’s warmth beside him in the bed. 

Dick wiggled in close and nuzzled his nose below the back of Jason’s neck before smooshing his face there, huffing out a breath and going still.Something inside of Jason shifted.It was slight, a single grain of sand sliding away. 

Only Dick Grayson could fall asleep in such a position. 

Sentimental, that was what Jason felt.The corners of his mouth twitched.Then he was asleep once more.

When Jason woke next, some indeterminable time later, the fog had lifted some and he felt more inside of himself like he had floated back down into his body.He blinked up at the ceiling for a bit before turning and finding himself face to face with one of Dick’s sapphire-blue eye (the other was hidden against his pillow).

“Hey,” Dick greeted softly.

“Hey,” Jason rasped.His throat felt gruff and raw from disuse.

Dick smiled and it made Jason feel like shit.The old familiar anger was back along with a thousand other emotions.It was like a mob trying to rush through a single doorway, all of them fighting to get through.Anger had always been the strongest and the fastest.

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”He demanded.

Dick looked so damn sad.But even with his features all marred up with worry and heartache he was still so fucking beautiful, he looked like a goddamn angel.All he wanted to do was put his fist through that perfect jaw.Instead, he rolled onto his back in order to escape Dick’s earnest face.

“No,” Dick answered easily.“Why?”

“I just can’t stand you lying here looking all sad.”

“I’m not sad.”Dick stretched long and slow but in a way that didn’t cause him to move away from Jason.“Besides, there’s nothing wrong with being sad.”

Jason’s mind spun, searching for something that would be off-putting enough to push Dick away.“I don’t need you feeling like you’ve got to take care of me.”

“I want to,”Dick answered easily.“Why shouldn’t people take care of the people they love.”

There was that four letter word again.Dick just tossed it around like it was one of his stupid escrima, light and easy.He had no idea what that word was doing to him.

“Jesus, Dick, we both know how this is going to end.” He growled.

“How is that?”

“In fucking _flames._ ” He retorted angrily. He sucked in a breath and when he released it he whispered: “I just know I'm going to hurt you…and then you'll hate me and—and I don’t think I can survive that.”

“Shut up, Jason,” Dick cut him off, voice firm and commanding.

Jason grunted.Could’t the guy tell he was in the middle of a self-hating rant?

“You don't know shit about how this is going to end,” Dick informed him hotly.He reached out and forcefully turned Jason’s head so they were looking at each other.“Just a few months ago you were convinced you were going to kill Bruce and…I don’t know…rule Gotham? —What did you actually think was going to happen?”He shook his head.“We’ll come back to that—And _I_ was sure Bruce was going to live forever and that you were dead.Now, look at us.Maybe it’s time to realize that we don’t know much of anything.”

Jason sighed and closed his eyes.“How does that help us?”

“We start taking things one day at a time.”

“And that’ll help?”

“Sure…”

Jason couldn’t help it.That goofy, uncertain face Dick made was too much.He started to smile and laugh softly.

“There he is,” Dick said softly, thumb brushing just under Jason’s bottom lip.“I like it when you smile.”

And Jason couldn’t stop himself.He tilted his face down and kissed the pad of Dick’s thumb.Maybe it was because he’d been in love with Dick since he was a stupid angry teenager who didn’t know how to handle his feelings; maybe it was because Dick was secretly using some Mad Hatter hypnotism on him.Whatever the reason Jason couldn’t resist him.

“All right, smart guy,” Jason conceded.“What do we do today?”

Dick smiled like he’d just won a Two Face coin toss.“Today I say we focus on kissing…” he leaned in and Jason was helpless under those lips.“And then we focus on getting out of this bed and over to the couch and maybe watch some TV.”

Jason felt his face muscles contract.Somehow that felt incredibly daunting.He didn’t recognize his damn self.

Dick nuzzled his nose against his and then rested their foreheads together.“We take it slow.One step at a time.”

“One step at a time.”Jason found himself echoing.

-0-0-0-

They eventually made it onto the couch somehow. But once there, Jason couldn't help remembering the Joker and the way he'd strutted around Dick’s apartment; a demented specter looming over this small piece of happiness he had tried to cleave out for himself. 

The Joker was dead.It wasn't real.He _knew_ that! But it had _felt_ real.

As he brooded over it all it felt like everything came rushing back.Immediately Jason felt himself slipping inward into that numb and distant place.He couldn’t stop it, it was like falling backward down a slick, smooth slope.It was like some built-in psychological emergency jettison switch. 

It was safe and it was also terrible.He’d never realized that being numb could hurt so bad. 

He barely registered Dick taking his hand in his but even still, his own hand managed to squeeze Dick’s. It was as if his body couldn’t help but respond to Dick Grayson.

Slowly, he used that point of contact to bring himself down and out of himself.He used it like a tether to gradually pull himself back down and anchor himself to this moment. 

Then the next moment…

And the next…

The next…

Dick didn't ask if he needed food or water. He just ordered a pizza and brought Jason a glass of water.That was when Jason recognized the thick grainy feeling in his mouth and that it meant he was thirsty; that the sharp hollow feeling in his stomach meant he was hungry.

He drank and ate gratefully and it helped make him feel real once again.

That night he curled up on his side and hauled Dick toward him.He shimmied down a bit so he could push his face into Dick’s chest, fistfuls of his shirt soft in his palms.Dick was warm.Dick smelled like sweaty kevlar,musk, and something candy-sweet.

He felt warm and comfortable.Most of all he felt safe.

-0-0-0-

Dick’s safeness came at a cost, Jason’s freedom. 

Jason couldn’t leave the apartment.Finding security and some semblance of peace in the company of Dick Grayson had, at first, felt like a win.With merely his presence, Dick could help him stave off panic attacks, pull him free of flashbacks, and help prevent his nightmares.It wasn’t foolproof—not even close—but it was the best it had been in years. 

Except everything fell apart when he left the apartment.At first, Jason had flat out wanted nothing to do with the outside world.But eventually, due to a devastating combination of stir crazy and Dick’s nattering, Jason ventured out of the apartment to go purchase some clothing that was not Dick’s.

It had been a disaster.

Jason had thought he had seen the Joker and Harley everywhere.Everyone around him became a possible hostile to be eliminated.Everyone posed a threat to Dick.He felt a scathing itch to fight and attack.His muscles had tensed and he had felt cagey and dangerous. He had felt naked without his costume and gear. 

Dick had been right by his side holding his hand as though he were some lost child in a candy store but it hadn’t been enough; it had been like trying to hide naked behind a blade of grass.In his efforts to not suddenly attack some random bystander, Jason had pressed his back into a wall and rapidly spiraled into a state of hyperventilation. 

They had been forced to go back to the apartment and Jason had been sick and angry and lashed out at Dick.He had felt broken; he had felt like an absolute failure.

He hadn’t even entertained the idea of going out since then and Dick had stopped pushing. 

Now he stayed inside all day, every day.The apartment had become safe by proxy of Dick, an extension of his presence.Dick was everywhere: he was in the scattered articles of clothing; in the used bowls of cereal; in the scent of the soap he used.It all combined to create an anchoring sanctuary.

In his seclusion, Jason had developed some…habits.He had taken to stealing Dick’s clothes from the hamper and then wearing them because they smelled like him more strongly than anything else.It was gross, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it, especially when Dick had to leave on patrol or to take care of business during the day.He knew Dick noticed because when he took the laundry he always made sure to leave at least one t-shirt for Jason to use, but he never said a word about it.Dick had bought Jason some clothes of his own but Jason doggedly continued to wear Dick’s things which resulted in them just sharing clothes altogether.They were close enough in size and height that it didn’t really matter, though there were a few notable exceptions that resulted in Jason either stretching something out or the article being so tight that it drove Dick to distraction.

That was how Jason’s days whittled down into a routine of exercising, wearing Dick’s clothes and sleeping in their bed.

_Their_ bed…

Dick had offered to give Jason his own room.

“You don’t have to use my bed just because we’re…you know…” he had blushed that beautiful shade of red high in his cheeks.

“No—I want to,”Jason had stammered.“Unless _you_ want your own space…”

Dick had beamed at him.“And miss out on all the cuddling?Not a chance.”

Jason had been so relieved to hear that.He would have suffered through having a separate room from Dick and told himself to be grateful for it if that is what the other man had wanted but he would have hated every second of it.

Thankfully, Dick seemed just as happy as Jason to let this relationship rail on right ahead at the unadvisedly breakneck pace it was going at.

Besides, Jason really did need the training room.Dick had all the best stuff for guys like them, everything was appropriately reinforced and could take a proper beating.

Jason was still haunted by the Joker.He hadn’t full on hallucinated like he had in those first days but the instant he even thought he heard a hint of the mad bastard’s laugh he would go straight to the workout room and work himself so hard he was panting, painfully sore, and dripping with sweat.Then he would take a cold shower, put on one of Dick’s used t-shirts and curl up in their bed and focus on Dick’s scent until it passed.

It worked.It kept Jason sane—as sane as a guy like him was likely to get.

That was how the apartment had become a cocoon of safety for him.That was also how it had become a prison, a soft and soothing prison.

He could tell his self-imposed incarceration worried Dick.But he could also tell the other man was not sure how to broach the subject with him since their only attempt at an outing had been an absolute cluster fuck.He also knew that Dick was afraid of rocking the boat that was Jason’s clearly unstable psyche.So they remained in an uneasy truce and it kinda worked for them.Their life started to take on a strange kind of rhythm.

It began with Jason cleaning.Because Dick was a goddamn mess and needed someone to organize the shit show that was his existence.He started with just picking up the clutter around the apartment and doing the dishes.Then he began actually cleaning, like, scrubbing the baseboards cleaning.Alfred would be so proud. 

Dick had come home and welled up when he’d seen the place.He’d swooped in and wrapped his arms around Jason’s waist and kissed him with a slow, elated hunger that had Jason feeling needy and wanted.It was a very legitimate form of reinforcement, so good that Jason started upping his game.

He started to cook.

It had honestly been a disaster the first time and they had been forced to order takeout.But the internet, as it turned out, was good for things other than casing targets and obtaining armor and illegal firearms.It was a veritable smorgasbord of recipes and cooking tutorials.Jason became a pro almost instantly.If there was one thing Bruce had an eye for, it was kids who could learn crazy fast.

Jason began planning out all of his and Dick’s meals and making a grocery list for Dick to shop from every week.There were even refrigerated after-patrol meals for Dick to warm up whenever he swaggered in through their balcony at night.Overall, it was a much healthier than the merry-go-round of takeout Dick had been on before.

Somehow Jason had turned into a house husband. 

What.the actual.shit?

Except…it was also kinda nice.

The apartment slowly transformed into something that felt like it belonged to them both.It felt lived in.

It couldn’t last.How could it?

-0-0-0-

It took two weeks for Dick to finally say something about Jason’s reclusive behavior.Which, in retrospect, was likely some kind of record for Dick.

“Hey, Jay?”He ventured from where his head was resting in Jason’s lap while he read.

“Hmm?”Jason asked, not taking his eyes from the worn pages.

He was actually feeling at okay, bordering on content.After all, he had lived in a worse prison than the one he currently inhabited.

“Maybe we should talk to someone.”

That shattered the peace he had been living in and anger flashed, a carpet bomb that consumed him instantly.Every muscle in his body coiled tense and tight.His fingers flexed on the cover of the book.He stopped reading but kept his eyes on the black words against the white paper.

“Talk to someone…” he repeated the words slowly, trying to stem some of the wildfire that was raging through every one of his limbs. 

He was trying to keep Dick from being the human repository for his anger but the guy sure as shit didn’t make it easy.

Dick shifted onto his side and nuzzled his face into Jason’s stomach.It was an obvious attempt to help ease Jason’s mood.

“You know,” his voice trailed, muffled in the fabric of Jason’s t-shirt.“Like a counselor or therapist or something.”

There was a sharp crinkle as the pages beneath Jason’s thumbs were moved and scrunched with his flexing fingers.

“A shrink,” He replied, voice sizzling along the edges.

Dick stopped his obvious use of affection as a means of regulating him and carefully lifted himself up to sit and face Jason.He had clearly sensed the simmering rage inside of Jason and was taking a different tact.His voice was measured and cool when he spoke.

“Yeah, a professional, someone who understands all of this and can help.”

“All of _this_ ,” Jason sneered.

He watched as Dick absorbed his tone and expression like a physical blow, rolling with it and redirecting.

“Trauma, PTSD, all the terrible things that happened to you.”

Jason slammed the book closed and flung it down onto the cushion next to him.“Who the fuck could possibly understand what happened to me?You don’t have the slightest mother fucking idea of what was done to me.No one does!”

“No,” Dick continued in that damn metronomic tone he was using.“I don’t.But the right person doesn’t need to have gone through the same thing to help.”

Jason grit his teeth and fought back a snarl.“Sure,”

“You don’t have to have had brain cancer in order to treat it.”Dick countered.

Logic.Sometimes Jason hated logic.

“Oh, yeah, great plan, Dickie-bird,” Jason mocked.He was losing control over his words and facial features.His tone was sharpened and meant to cut.“Let’s walk into some head doctors office and tell them ‘hey, here’s the guy who was running around in bat armor a few months ago wrecking the whole damn city and responsible for who knows how many deaths’.”He laughed,harsh and bitter as broken beer bottles and cigarette butts.“Honestly, Golden-boy if you wanted to put me away you could have done it by now.”

He watched with narrowed eyes as Dick took in three quick breaths letting each drag out long and slow on the exhale.It was one of the calming sequences that had been drilled into them from the start of their training.He watched as the other man’s shoulders drew back from his ears and the muscles in his face unbunched.

Jason’s envy was caustic and bitter as old battery acid in his gut.He missed the calm that he used to be able to invoke within himself with the paired muscle and breath sequences.He missed being able to find the eye of the storm in his emotions.He had clung to those teachings when he was in the grip of the Joker and Harley, a drowning man clutching to driftwood.It had shattered, sharp and brittle, under the relentless madness of the Joker and the twisted skills of Harley Quinn.Perhaps it was because he had never truly mastered those skills, as Bruce had constantly reminded him.

Either way, they were out his reach now.Now he could barely finger the fraying edges of what was once there, decomposing fragments of the boy he had once been.

“Jay,” Dick reached out and took his hand in his.“We can find someone.We know how to vet potential candidates.”

Jason tugged his hand away.“I’m not some pet project for you to fix.”

“That’s not what this is.”Dick retorted, voice still steady.

“And what is _this_ exactly?”

“Help,”

“You’re trying to fix me!”Jason snapped.

“What’s wrong with that?”Dick’s composure was faltering and Jason wedged into it like a knife into the craw of a shellfish.

“You saying I’m broken?”

Dick’s eyes went wide.“What—no!”

“Real convincing.”

“Why does everything have to be a battle?”Dick demanded, the fibers in his neck straining.“Why do you have to fight me every step of the way?”

“Why do I make it so hard to care about me you mean.”

“That's not what I said!”

“We both know you were thinking it.”

“Stop putting words in my mouth!”

He felt a sickening mix of satisfaction and revulsion at his ability to break through Dick’s practiced calm. He took joy in taking away the thing he had once had from Dick. He was nothing more than a spiteful child who broke the toys of others simply because he couldn't have them.He really was broken.

Jason huffed out a breath and turned to look anywhere but the mix of anger and hurt on Dick’s face. 

The couch jostled a bit as Dick got to his feet and began walking to the bedroom.He stopped before rounding the corner but he didn’t turn back to look at him as he spoke.

“You don’t have to go talk to someone…but I’m going to.You let me know if you change your mind.”

“How the fuck is talking supposed to fix the shit inside my head?”Jason grumbled.

“I don’t know,” Dick admitted.

“Whatever,” Jason shot.“Have fun lying on a couch while to old bearded bastard talks to you about your mother and dreams.I’m sure they’ll have a load to say about a single billionaire taking in a nubile orphan.”

Dick’s back muscles bunched beneath his t-shirt but he didn’t say anything else.He just left Jason to feel like the total asshole he was.

Jason resisted going to bed until he was risking falling asleep on the couch.He didn’t want to increase the odds of him having a nightmare.Most of all he didn’t want to wake up without Dick there to whisper soothing nothing’s into the top of his head and kiss and hold him until he remembered where he really was.

So he shambled into their bedroom.Dick had already gone to sleep, tucked in on his side all the way at one edge of the bed.Jason climbed in, stared at Dick’s back before turning away from him but sleep eluded him.He stretched his foot out across the sheets until his toe pressed into Dick’s calf.He closed his eyes hoping that point of contact was enough and not feeling like he deserved even that after how he had acted.

He had started to drift off when Dick mumbled something and shifted and Jason couldn’t feel him anymore.Jason huffed, giving in and swallowing his guilt and pride and scooting over until he could spoon Dick, wrapping an arm around him.

Dick inhaled sharply and tensed for an instant before tapping Jason’s arm, squirming back into him and sighing:“Hey, Little Wing.”

Jason pressed closer, felt the apology rising up in his throat before it got stuck and threatened to choke him.Instead, he kissed the back of Dick’s neck and buried his face in the other man’s hair.Sleep was thankfully not far behind.

-0-0-0-

The therapy talk didn’t end there.Dick started researching therapists and buying virtually any book that had anything to do with trauma and PTSD.He read them on their couch and in their bed with a highlighter locked between his teeth.

He offered them to Jason, suggested chapters and pages but eventually gave up when it became clear the Jason was determined to be resistant.He still left the books on the bookshelf, all of them tabbed with the sections Dick thought Jason might find helpful.

Jason figured he must’ve done something really fucking special in a past life to deserve Dick Grayson.He sure as hell hadn’t done anything in _this_ life to deserve him.

-0-0-0-

Dick hadn’t been bluffing.He started seeing a shrink. 

It was a Thursday afternoon and Dick was fully dressed, snatching up the keys to his bike and preparing himself to leave. 

“Where do you think you’re going when I’m lying here looking like I do?”Jason demanded from the couch as he laced his fingers casually behind his head and affected his most cool and seductive pose.

Dick smirked and spun toward him and walked over to lead down and plant a few long kisses on Jason’s lips.“I’ve got an appointment.”He kissed Jason’s chin.“I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

“Appointment?”Jason frowned, eyes still closed as he yanked Dick back down by the collar of his t-shirt to rejoin their lips.

“I told you,” Dick replied after he managed to pull back. 

He freed his collar from Jason’s grip and pressed his lips to his knuckles in apology before laying Jason’s hand on his chest.He strolled back toward the door, collecting his wallet along the way and stuffing it in his back pocket.

Jason’s eyes maybe lingered on that simple gesture more than was appropriate.Or, actually, it was totally appropriate.Dick was his boyfriend now—or something—they hadn’t exactly established labels but they lived together and did a whole lot of kissing so that meant they were _something._

“I’m going to counseling.”Dick continued, unaware of the musings going on in Jason’s head and bringing him back to the matter at hand.“I found a therapist who checks out and today’s my first appointment.”

Jason sprang up like a vampire from a coffin, his brows pulled down in a severe frown.“Are you serious?”

“Yup,” Dick answered easily as he opened the door.“See you in a couple of hours.Let me know if you need me to pick anything up while I’m out.”

And then he was gone and Jason was alone and oddly furious. 

Jason didn’t understand himself.

He spent the first few minutes after Dick’s departure pacing around the apartment stewing in that anger.He eventually convinced himself to work that anger out on a punching bag so that he wouldn’t be an asshole to Dick when he got home—or at least _less_ of an asshole. 

Was Dick making a point?Was he trying to goad Jason into seeing a head quack?What the hell did Dick Grayson, the Golden Boy, have to talk to a shrink about?

_His crazy, shut-in boyfriend._ An unhelpful voice inside his head supplied.

Jason laid into the punching bag without warming up or wrapping his knuckles.He wanted to _feel_ it.He wanted it to hurt.

By the time Dick came home, Jason had taken a cold shower, put on the old, threadbare Haley’s Circus t-shirt Dick had worn the night before, and bandaged his knuckles.Dick was a bit less hyper-verbal than usual and less affectionate and Jason was cold and distant.He could see that his demeanor hurt Dick by the soft, droopy-lidded way he caught Dick glancing over at him with when he thought Jason wasn’t looking.Which, if Jason was being honest with himself, was exactly what he had wanted.He was punishing Dick.

Jason made himself sick.

_Did you talk about me?Is there something bothering you that you aren’t telling me?_

But he maintained his icy silence and let the questions fester inside his skull.

Despite the cold shoulder treatment that first night, Dick kept going to his damn therapist and eventually Jason…adjusted.He adjusted to Dick’s more quiet mood when he came back from those sessions;he adjusted to their later Thursday meal times; he adjusted the questions that circulated through his mind during and after those appointments.It just became another feature of the seriously unconventional life they were living.

That was of course when Dick went and ruined it.

Jason was in the exercise room lifting weight’s when Dick decided to drop the bomb.

“I have an idea,” Dick suggested from the doorway for the exercise room.

Jason just kept pushing through his reps, gaze focused on the ceiling.

“It’s called an exposure hierarchy,” Dick continued undeterred.“It’s a way to reduce and eliminate anxiety.”

Jason felt his arms beginning to wobble and gave in and re-racked the bench press. 

For once Jason wasn’t angry at Dick’s suggestions regarding his mental health.He just felt tired.He sat up and wiped at his brow with the back of his forearm.“Dick…”

But Dick was never easily deterred.He was over and kneeling in front of him almost instantly.“Listen, we both know you’ll lose your mind if you stay cooped up in this place forever.If it doesn’t work we’ll stop.I promise I won’t push too hard.Let’s just try.”

Jason lifted his head and stared at him from beneath his lashes.Dick’s face was so damn earnest and beseeching that Jason caved.

“Okay…” he whispered.

A giddy smile split Dick’s face.“Really?”

Jason sighed.“Yeah…”

Dick kissed his face in excitement.“This is gonna work, I know it!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever…” 

“Alright, the first thing we do is—”

“Can we not start right this second?”Jason asked, barely managing to keep it from sounding like he was begging.

“Oh, yeah, sure —no problem,”Dick said, hopping up to his feet.“We’ll follow your lead.”

“Actually,” Jason cocked a smile.“A little bit of sparing might work out some of this anxious energy I’ve got going on.”

Dick’s face became a mirror of Jason’s.“I think I can oblige.”

Dick was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt so he just stepped over onto the mats and started stretching.Jason smiled and wiped his face with a towel and moved to face him.He watched Dick move as he limbered up and warmed his muscles.He wasn’t sure he would ever get tired of watching Dick Grayson.

Dick bounced up on the balls of his feet.“Alright, Todd, show me what you got.”

Jason didn’t respond to the taunt.He preferred to let his fists and legs do the talking.Shit-talking was Dick’s arena and it was actually one of his weaknesses.He hated silence in a fight.

They circled one another hands up and steps measured.Their eyes searched and probed, both seeking an opening or hoping to trick the other.Neither of them was the most patient of the Batman’s disciples but they were both also hopelessly competitive and neither wanted to be the first to cave.

Dick cocked his head, hair swooshing across his brow and veiling the boundless sky of his eyes.“Wait?Did you ask me to dance?Cause I thought you wanted to fight.”

Jason’s eyes were rolling before he realized what they were doing.That was when Dick struck, crossing the distance between them like a bullet down the barrel of a gun.His first attack was a kick, toe pointed and aimed at Jason’s hip.Jason shifted, swiveled his hip back and allowing the toe to swish by.Dick didn’t fall off balance, he came down into a low lunge and immediately swept his back leg over and around to try and take Jason’s feet from under him.

Jason jumped over the leg and countered with a kick of his own, aimed at Dick’s face.Dick used the back of his wrist to push the kick aside his other hand coming up to push Jason’s calf and redirecting him.It made Jason step out wider than was advisable but his muscles and mind had been trained and retrained to recover on reflex.His weight shifted onto the offending leg and he swirled on the ball of that foot to face Dick in time to meet the swift barrage of fists coming at him.Jason was a little bigger and a little stronger than Dick and he pushed that advantage, all his muscles working in precise unison to make him faster and more deadly than just about anyone.Dick met him eagerly a grin plastered on his dumb mug.

It felt good to fight someone that could fight back, like, _really_ fight back.It felt good to fight someone who was close to his level.It felt good to really let loose and feel challenged.Fighting with Dick was something transcendent.He lost himself in the clash between their punches and kicks.It was actually a bit like dancing.

The square footage of the room kept Dick from engaging in some of his more flamboyant moves but it left him no less effective at countering most of Jason’s moves.Eventually, Jason got an opening, ticking Dick with an attack hidden within a feint.It allowed Jason to spiral behind Dick and lock an elbow across the other man’s throat.Dick struggled a moment before he kicked both legs up high and then swung them down with all his weight.It unbalanced Jason and he fell forward while Dick was ready, going to his knees, shifting his shoulder and hurling Jason over it and onto his back.He barrel-rolled and came down with his knees on either side of Jason’s hips and pinned his wrists into the mat.

Dick’s blue-black hair fell forward and his lips spread slowly into a cat-got-the-canary-grin.“This feels familiar.”He winked from above him.“De Ja Vu…”

“You remember?”Jason asked stupidly, the energy in the room shifting drastically.He felt like he was falling backward in time.

“Of course I remember.”Dick’s face coasted closer.

Jason smiled and stretched his neck for a kiss.Dick didn’t hesitate.He did squeal a bit when Jason rocked his hips and flipped him over and reversed the pin.He pushed Dick into the floor, dragging his teeth along his jaw, over his neck, and across his Adam’s apple.Dick moaned and arched into him, thrusting their groins together. 

“Jay, I thought—” Dick panted.“I thought we were fighting—”

Jason growled and thrust against him and they both shivered.“This is better.Told you…I needed to work this energy out…” he captured Dick’s lips and got lost there for a moment before he remembered he was making a point.“You actually make me feel good…I get lost in all this muscle…”He ran his hands under Dick’s t-shirt and over his stomach and chest for emphasis.“In the taste of you…in all the sounds you make…get lost in making you feel good.Jesus, Dickie…you’re perfect.”

“Sex won’t fix anything.”Dick panted, even as his eager hands drew Jason’s t-shirt off in a direct contradiction to his words.

Jason immediately pulled Dick’s off as well, desperate to get as much of their skin in contact as possible.Dick’s fingers dug into Jason’s back likely leaving scratches as he raked them down to hook in the waistband of Jason’s shorts and tug them down.

It felt _so_ good.It felt like a swig of bourbon after a long night on patrol; it felt like the click of a bullet into a chamber; it felt like the first grapple through the Gotham skyline.

“So impatient,” Jason gasped as his shorts came down around his knees.

Dick chuckled, gruff and wanton as Jason began yanking Dick’s sweatpants down in return.“You’re one to talk.”

Jason thrust their lengths together and that shut Dick up good as he chuffed in a breath.He slithered an arm around Jason’s waist to keep them pressed close as they continued to rut against each other.

Jason pressed his lips to Dick’s shoulders, neck, and collar but the other man never let his mouth stray from his own for long.They took it slow, both content to bask in the feel of one another but when Jason spit into his hand and closed his fingers around the both of them everything seemed to catch fire.Dick whined and bowed his back before reaching between their bodies to add his own fist to the affair.They pumped and thrust, it was a bit of a mess honestly, but it wasn’t long before they were both crying out and spilling sloppily against their chests and stomachs.

“I love you,” Dick swore, his kisses like a brand.

Jason wanted to cry.

-0-0-0-

Dick’s stupid exposure hierarchy worked.

After their sparing session turned sex romp, that probably satisfied a very specific interrupted moment from their shared adolescence, Dick brought them a towel to clean off with and a notepad and pen.They had laid there naked on the training mats as Dick goaded him into choosing stress-inducing events based on a scale of one to ten in intensity.It was a pain in the ass and kind of lame if you asked Jason and Dick _maybe_ incentivized him with the promise of a blowjob for his efforts once they were done.

Who the hell was Jason to say no to that? 

They started with being out on the balcony, which Jason hadn’t actually realized he’d been avoiding.He hadn’t actually breathed fresh air (fresh being a bit of a figure of speech given they were in Bludhaven) in weeks.Dick made him talk about where he felt his anxiety and then coached him through breathing exercises and other focusing mumbo jumbo that he had probably learned from his shrink or all those damn books he read.To Jason’s irritated surprise the damn things actually helped.It also probably had something to do with Dick’s presence if Jason was honest with himself.But the whole ordeal resulted in Jason being able to sit out on the balcony on his own.

They eventually worked their way up to the roof of the apartment building and that was when Jason realized the thought of going out suited up and armed held almost no fear or anxiety.That was how he ended up talking Dick into letting him go on patrol with him.

It had been amazing.Nightwing and the Red Hood out in the night, fighting together, partners in crime fighting, a new and improved dynamic duo.The fifteen-year-old Jason inside of him was geeking out… _hard_.It was good, it was so screaming from the top of the world good. 

Until it wasn’t.

They had been busting up a bank heist.No big deal really.Some thug had pulled a gun on Dick’s exposed back.In retrospect, it hadn’t been as dangerous as Jason’s mind had made it out to be.Jason had seen the Joker holding that gun, he had seen the sinister and utterly unhinged grin.Dick had been prepared (because of course he was) his escrima a wrist flick away from disarming the goon.Except Jason had launched himself at the guy like a rabid gorilla escaped from the zoo.He’d dropped his guns and just tackled the guy.Everything had become filtered through a crimson mist (which, red helmet, yeah, but metaphorically—psychologically speaking).

Bone had given away under his fists and Jason hadn’t been sure if it was his own or the other guys but he didn’t care.He was not going to lose Dick; he wasn’t going to let the Joker take this away from him.He wouldn’t have stopped if it hadn’t been for Dick hurdling into him and slamming him into a wall.

He’d pressed his forehead to Jason’s helmet and pleaded until his voice had reached him through that murderous haze.Jason had gotten one look at the ground beef he’d turn the thugs face into and nearly tossed his fucking cookies.He’d run, Dick had chased.He told himself to run away, far away from Bludhaven, far away from Dick Grayson.He would be saving Dick, he would be doing him a goddamn favor.But Jason was weak and he was selfish and ran right back to their apartment.

He had stripped right in their living room and darted to the bathroom to drench himself in the icy spray, to make himself numb, to wash off the blood, to chase away the moth-wing whispers of the Joker.There had only been one problem, Dick had followed him and climbed under the frigid water as well.

“‘The fuck you doing, Goldie?”Jason had demanded through his clenched teeth.

Dick held up his palms.“I get it.I get why you need to do this but…” he took in a measured breath.“But we shouldn’t let it go for too long.”

What the fuck was Dick even talking about!?What fucking planet was he from?Seriously.

Jason turned his back on him.He didn’t have time to fight with Dick or try and figure out what he was going on about.He moved back under the jets and let the whetted shock of it jolt him out of himself.He closed his eyes and let the cold seep into his bones, put out the fire raging inside of him.

He could feel that agonizing relief of being numb beginning overtake him when there were arms around his waist, and a naked chest pressed to his back, skin prickled with goosebumps.Then the water was shut off and Jason could feel the fire inside of him flare up.

“C’mon, let’s eat,”Dick said into the back of Jason’s head.

Despite the fire still being there; despite not being totally numb; Jason found that he could breathe through the anger and all the poison slithering inside of him.He only managed to nod in response and accepted the towel Dick supplied him with.

They dried, dressed and walked out into the living room.Jason picked up the scattered pieces of his gear and suit while Dick warmed up the soup and sandwiches Jason had prepared for them that afternoon.Dick brought him a bowl and plate before getting his own food and joining him on the couch.Jason was silent while Dick blathered on, smiling and cracking jokes.

As the warmth of the soup ran down his throat; as he took in the in Dick’s stupid grin, it hit him like buckshot bursting inside of his lungs. He was insanely, painfully, out of his mind in love with Dick Grayson.And with that realization came the additional gut-rot reminder that he would never deserve Dick.Not ever.

-0-0-0-

There were no more patrols after that; after Jason had almost pummeled a guy to death with his fists.Instead, they focused on other things, normal things.That was why they were at the grocery store.Because grocery stores were normal, they were easy.Jason could do normal and easy.No problem. 

He could do grocery store. 

Not a big deal.

And it _wasn’t_ a big deal…until some kid dropped a wind-up dinosaur onto the linoleum floor in the middle of the frozen foods section.It clacked against the ground, bouncing up and down, the gears wizzing and whirring inside the plastic body. 

Jason felt his heartbeat begin to hammer in his chest.His breathing came in short, rapid pumps.His head began to spin.Dick was chattering on about something and wheeled the cart onward while Jason froze in his tracks. 

Suddenly that toy dinosaur wasn’t a toy dinosaur, it was one of those fucking wind up chattering teeth that the Joker loved to leave lying around.The flourescent lights flickered and everything was cast into gray and slashed through with neon paint.His breathing became worse; his heartbeat was pounding in his eardrums; he felt hot all over.

There were balloons hanging near the registers and he wanted nothing more than to pull a gun and shoot them.

A cackling laugh echoed through the isles.

He couldn’t breath, his heart felt like it would explode, like his blood was on fire.

“I’m here, Little Wing,”Dick whispered, close and candle-soft.

Jason could feel him, he could feel Dick’s forehead pressed against the side of his head, his breath was warm against his cheek.

“Listen to my voice,” Dick instructed.His voice was steady and directive but never harsh or clipped.Jason felt Dick’s hand settle over his belly.“Breathe with me, lift my hand with your stomach every time you breathe in.”

Jason found himself complying almost instantly, mimicking the long, deep breaths of Dick Grayson.They remained that way for a long time and for Jason there was only Dick’s steady breathing.

“There you go.You’re doing great.”Dick encouraged and part of Jason hated how he ate that praise up.“What do you smell, Little Wing?”Dick asked eventually.

Jason willed his mind to his sense of smell.Forced himself to focus there.“You,” he choked out.“Mint…something sweet…musk…leather…”

“Good,” Dick continued.

Jason realized Dick’s other hand was between his shoulder-blades rubbing small circles.How long had he been doing that?

“What do you hear?”Dick continued.

Again Jason focused.“People whispering…the hum of the freezers…squeaking wheels…”

There was a kiss to his cheek.

“What do you feel?”

“Your skin…your hand…you’re warm…you’re always so fucking warm, Dickie…like a goddamn furnace…”

Dick laughed low and hearty, relieved.There was another kiss, this time to his ear.“What do you see.”

Jason realized his eyes had been closed.He pried them open and blinked hard a few times.“Our shopping cart, four feet away…freezers…frozen vegetables…” he glanced around.He realized there were a few people staring at them.

Dick had stopped and moved in close and intimate in front of the entire grocery store.Dick never cared what anyone thought of him.

Jason realized that his heartbeat had slowed and that his breathing was normal.His cheeks were wet and the hand Dick had had on his stomach slipped around him.

“You with me again, Jay?”

Jason nodded slowly.

Dick moved to face him and brought both his hands to cup Jason’s face like he loved to do.He kissed him in a slow, open-mouthed kiss that Jason returned easily.He heard a woman gasp but if Dick didn’t care, neither did Jason.

“You wanna go home?”Dick asked.

“The groceries—”

“—can get done another day.”

Jason took in another deep breath.He shook his head and jerked away from Dick and stalked over to the cart and began pushing it through the aisle.

What the fuck kind of existence was this?He couldn’t give Dick the night, a crazy life of rooftops, supped up gear and fighting criminals.He could have maybe made his peace with that.But now…now he couldn’t even manage to give Dick the normalcy of grocery shopping.What the fuck kind of life was that?How the hell could allow Dick to sentence himself to that kind of life, where he plays the role of support person twenty-four-seven.He couldn’t do that.

-0-0-0-

Jason zipped his duffle bag up, nice and slow, one metal tooth at a time.When he was anywhere but home Dick would wake to faintest of sounds.But when he was home the guy slept like he was in a coma.Still, Jason didn’t want to risk it.He wouldn’t be able to explain away what he was doing and once Dick understood Jason’s intent he’d be on him like a border collie on a sheep.Jason wouldn’t be able to do what needed to be done.He couldn’t face Dick and resist his pleas and declarations of love.Jason didn’t have it in him.

Once the bag was closed he slung it over his shoulder.It had everything he owned, which was basically just his gear and a few extra sets of clothes...Dick’s clothes (he was sentimental and a thief, fucking sue him).

He peeked into the bedroom one last time.The bedroom that had been his and Dick’s for a month.He bit the inside of his cheek to check the emotions that welled up inside of him; the emotions that threatened to crumble all the resolve he’d been storing up inside of him since that failed grocery trip. 

Dick was sprawled out like a human-sized starfish on the bed.It was trite, but Jason’s heart actually did ache.He had made love to Dick one last time.He had been slow and sweet with all the non-stop kissing Dick craved.He had poured himself into those moments; he had melted into Dick like he was made of warmed wax; he had tried to communicate all the congested words that had been trapped inside of him for so long.If Dick couldn’t hear it from him he hoped he’d at least felt it.

It was the only goodbye Jason could give him.

It wasn’t enough.It would never be enough.

He closed his eyes, bit harder on the inside of his cheek and didn’t stop till he tasted the sharp tang of blood.Without lifting his eyelids he turned and began to stride out of the apartment.He didn’t look back; if he looked back he’d be done for.He slid open the screen door and slipped out into the night.He fired his grapple, took one last breath and sailed into the night.All the while something inside of him was screaming.

-0-0-0-

The thing about Jason Todd was that he was paranoid.Not paranoid in a pissing into mason jars kind of way, in a _thorough_ kind of way.That was why he had multiple safe houses scattered from Gotham to Miami.That was why he had a safe house Dick didn’t know about right in his backyard.

Bludhaven would be the last place Dick would think Jason would be.Right under his perfect nose.That was why Jason ignored every impulse to run to the other side of the globe.He would wait it out in the Haven until Dick took his search farther and then he would make his next move. 

Jason dropped his duffle on the floor the storage unit he’d be using as his hiding hole.He immediately unzipped the bag, pulled out one of Dick’s t-shirts, kicked off his boots and collapsed into the sleeping bag that was rolled out on the floor.He curled up inside, tucked Dick’s t-shirt under his nose, closed his eyes, and waited for the nightmares to come.

-0-0-0-

The next day was thirteen different types of hell (Jason knew Dante said there were nine but he was certain there had to be more.It was _hell_!).It wasn’t just the nightmares and the sleep deprivation, Jason could handle over seven nights without sleep and still function, it was the onslaught of calls and texts.

Dick called and texted with an urgency that devastated Jason.At first, Jason made himself listen to every voicemail and read every text.Because, that was what he deserved for hurting Dick, for letting him believe that they could share a life together.He made himself feel it.It was like the stab of a broken rib driving into his lungs with every breath.It was like gasping for air only to have soaked cloth fill your mouth.It was the worst kind of self-flagellation.

Jason only made it until noon.That was when Dick’s texts and voicemails went from urgent to broken and desperate.That was when Dick’s tears became audible over the phone.It left Jason feeling eggshell-thin and every neuron crying out for him to go running back.So he had placed his phone on silent and effectively shut Dick off.

He was so _fucking_ weak. 

He tried to eat one of the MRE packets he kept stored in the unit but he couldn’t force himself to swallow any of it down.All he could think about was morning breakfasts with Dick, with pancakes, coffee, and whatever Jason decided to cook up topped off with a couple of fried eggs.He managed to swallow a few mouthfuls of water and counted himself lucky.

-0-0-0-

Jason spent the following day and the next night drinking the cheap whiskey he’d stored in the unit and smoking cigarettes.He tried to map out what he thought Dick’s next move would be.Dick was brilliant, he could out-think just about anyone, but he was also passionate, bullheaded, and savagely protective of those he cared for.That meant Dick had probably suited up and gone on the hunt the instant the sun had set.He’d likely already learned that the phone Jason used couldn’t be tracked.He imagined that Dick had likely gone to Gotham in hopes of enlisting the help of Barbara and the Replacement. 

This was for the best.He was maiming Dick now to save him from the cancer that Jason would be on him if he remained.This was triage.

Eventually, Jason ran out of smokes and booze and began pacing the small unit.His knuckles tingled and his muscles felt taught and stiff.He needed to get out, both out of the storage unit and out of his fucking head.He felt certain that Dick had taken his search to Gotham and beyond and that was what left him feeling emboldened enough to leave his lair and go out into the night.It was stupid and reckless but he was about a second away from clawing through the goddamn walls.

He needed to move.He needed to hit something—someone.Fortunately for Jason, the Haven had no shortage of people who needed punching.

Within an hour Jason had stopped a mugging, broke up a drug deal, and stopped some idiot kid trying to grift a car (the irony of that was not lost on Jason).It didn’t fix any of the emotions roiling inside of him but it definitely took off some of the edge.He swooped up to a roof ledge after scaring the damn kid into a life away from illicit activities (and hopefully costumed vigilantism).

He was looking out into the city scanning for another criminal to pummel when there was burbling cackle to his left.Electricity surged through him, scalding and curdling his blood.He knew what was coming next.

**_“Well, look what we got here.”_** The Joker hummed. ** _“What are you supposed to be?A biker with a fancy red helmet?I wore it better.”_**

“Shut up,” Jason growled. 

**_“Make me.”_** The Joker goaded. ** _“I am a hallucination after all.I’m in YOUR head.”_**

Leather squeaked as Jason’s fists clenched. 

**_“I honestly didn’t think you had it in you, Toddy-Boy, leaving the pretty birdie.But you know you’ll never be able to do this stuff again, don’t you?”_** His chalky-white face slashed open, crimson and sallow, with his grin. ** _“You know that this kind of stuff will just be leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for your circus-boy-toy to follow.”_**

That knowledge barreled into Jason like Solomon Grundy’s fist.The fucking clown was right.

More laughter echoed around him, it seemed to ricochet off of the buildings and ping right back into Jason’s skull.

**_“Jokes on you, kid.”_ **

Jason dropped to sit on the building ledge, feet dangling lifelessly.What was he supposed to do with himself?Where was he supposed to go?What the hell kind of life was he supposed to live?If he wanted to protect Dick he couldn’t fight crime.He’d already established he couldn’t even begin to do normal.He’d given up Dick.What the hell did he have left?

**_“What indeed,”_** The Joker cooed over his shoulder. ** _“Poor, little birdie.What to do?What to do?”_** He leaped up in excitement. ** _“Oh, but there IS something you can do.You’ve got a pair of somethings holstered right at your thighs.”_** He was whispering now, soft and slow, almost like a lover. ** _“It’d just take one.One gun.One bullet.”_**

Before he knew what he was doing he had unholstered one of his guns and was holding it in his palm, staring down at it.

**_“That’s right…_** ”

Jason saw it.Jason saw how quick and easy it could be.He knew where to aim; he knew how to make it quick.

Why shouldn’t he?The world would be better off.He’d turned Gotham into a hollowed out ruin.He’d abducted and terrified Barb.He’d forced Bruce to end himself and take Alfred with him.He’d made Dick cry.

He turned the gun over in his lap, moonlight catching on gunmetal.

**_“BOOM!”_ **

The Joker cackled when Jason actually jumped.

**_“Just one teensy-weensy piece of lead and it’s aaaallll over…”_ **

He lifted the gun again but his helmet flashed with a new text from his phone.He’d completely forgotten his phone was linked to the heads-up display of his helmet.Immediately text began scrolling down in front of his eyes.

**Dickie-Bird:** _Jason, there are a million things I want to say and I don’t know which of those million things will help you understand.I’m sorry if I’ve been fucking this whole thing up.I’m sorry if I’ve pushed too hard or said the wrong things.But I’m not sorry for trying.I’m not sorry for loving you.I just hope that you know you’re not alone. You're not alone, please know that, Jason.Love always, Dick._

A riot went off in Jason’s stomach.The seams along his eyes burned.He couldn’t holster the gun fast enough.

He scrambled to his feet and sniffed in a shivering breath.The Joker was gone and Jason started running.

-0-0-0-

Jason dropped down onto the balcony of Dick’s apartment.He hadn’t thought about where he was going.He had just started sprinting like he could outrun the terrifying thing he had just considered doing, like he could outrun a bullet, like he could outrun his own mind. 

Moonlight had gathered from every corner of the fucking world to illuminate that balcony and Jason went headstone-still when he caught sight of Dick through the glass panels.He felt sick to his stomach; he felt like this had to be a terrible idea.This was the exact opposite of what he had set out to do when he had packed his bag and left this place.It was the stupid text Dick had sent him.

_You’re not alone._

He watched as Dick poured himself a bowl of cereal.The apartment was already a mess and Jason had only been gone a little less than forty-eight hours.He watched as Dick sulked into the living room worry and sadness hanging from his limbs as though draped in it like a led mantel.He watched him as poked listlessly at the contents of the bowl; he watched as his gaze lifted up and he froze in his tracks when his eyes fixed on Jason.Dick nearly dropped his bowl juggling it between his two hands before managing to set it down on to the coffee table, never once letting his eyes leave Jason.He walked straight to the balcony and disarmed and unlocked the doors and slid them open. 

While he had been standing there Jason’s mind had subconsciously calculated several different likely scenarios for this moment.He had thought Dick might ignore him; shout at him and call him inconsiderate; launch himself into Jason’s arms to flood him with kisses; pull him inside and make love to him; he’d even imagined him telling him to leave.None of those scenarios were anything like the slow motion Dick was moving in now.

It was cold and the clouds above them were a dusky pink that suggested snow.Dick was only in a t-shirt and gyms shorts but walked out into the night on his bare feet like he felt none of it.His movements were cautious and telegraphed like he was afraid he might startle Jason but they remained deliberate and steady.He came up to him and lifted his hands to release the seals on Jason’s helmet and pulled it off of his head.He tossed it back into the apartment.

Jason could see their breathes as they tumbled and mixed together in soft, damp plumes.

Dick dipped in close, rubbing his nose from the corner of Jason’s mouth and up until it was right along Jason’s nose, he nuzzled them together.He didn’t kiss him.He just kept sliding his nose over along the side of Jason’s face until they were stubbled-cheek to stubbled-cheek.And then he moved his head up and down slowly.Jason remained frozen, unsure what to do, until he angled his head and nudged his face against Dick’s in return.It was ridiculous, they probably looked like a couple of stray cats scent marking each other. 

It felt like absolution.

Dick turned his head and his lips were on Jason’s cheek, soft and light.He pulled back and gripped Jason’s face in both his hands and brought their foreheads together, the tips of their noses smashed up together.His eyes bore into Jason’s and it made his vision go crossed and blurry. 

“You’re home,” Dick whispered before leaning in and kissing him, those lips so familiar and sweet.Jason responded instantly, he could never deny Dick.Eventually, Dick broke away from him and pulled Jason to him in a crushing hug that Jason returned with equal force.

And he was home. 

How had he ever thought he could run away from Dick Grayson?

All at once Jason realized that Dick was probably freezing so he began edging them back into the apartment.They crossed the threshold and when Jason unspooled an arm from around Dick to try and close the glass doors Dick squeezed him so tight it hurt.

“S‘okay,” Jason whispered, straining to finally slide the doors closed.

He went back to holding Dick immediately and turned his face to start kissing the bend where neck met shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Jason confessed into the skin there.“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Dick’s head tilted and he was saying something low and soothing into Jason’s hair but he couldn’t make out the words.Stupid Dick still didn’t know what was good for him.

Jason lifted his head and turned to crash his mouth into Dick’s, a collision of teeth, a collision of stars.Color exploded behind Jason’s eyelids.He could taste those colors on Dick’s tongue, on the roof of his mouth.

Jason shimmied out of his jacket, refusing to let his lips leave Dick’s.Once he was free his fingers found the hem of Dick’s t-shirt and begun hauling it up and over the other man’s head.

“Jay—”

Jason’s lips were back on his.He yanked his own shirt up and off.

“Little Wing—”Dick continued between their frantic kisses, his hands slipping along the plane of Jason’s stomach like river water over stones.“Shouldn’t we talk?”

That was the last thing Jason needed.He was shit with words.But he could show.He could give.He pulled down Dick’s shorts and underwear in one fluid motion.Then he pushed Dick down onto the couch and immediately went to work on his own pants and boots.When he was free of his own clothing he straddled Dick.

“Jay, you don’t—” Dick started.

“Shut up,” Dick instructed before kissing him soundly.“Why do you always try and talk me out of sex?”

“I’m just…not sure…it’s the best method…of coping…”Dick sputtered out between their kisses.

“That…from one…of your books?”

“Maybe…”

“Dick,” Jason sucked the other man’s bottom lip between his teeth before leaning back a bit.“I’m definitely fucked up but not so bad that I don’t know what I want—that I can’t make my own choices.I am consenting, enthusiastically consenting.”

Dick nodded up at him.“Okay,”

With that business out of the way, Jason returned them to matter at hand.Jason was on a mission.Fortunately, in the weeks since they started this relationship they had gotten wise and begun to stash lube near the places they were likely to become…romantically entangled.

Jason had been preparing himself for this for weeks now, working himself up for this very moment so that he could give himself over to Dick Grayson.Even with all that prep it still took too long for Jason’s mayfly patience.Jason’s bones were quaking with restless anticipation by the time Dick was able to work his way inside of him.

Jason just breathed as he adjusted to all the new sensations.It was overwhelming, all his sense felt like they were on fire but also like they had been distilled down to one singular focus.He felt alive, he felt whole, and he felt…

“I love you,” he breathed against Dick’s ear.

It was the first time he had ever said those words out loud.Sure, he’d communicated them a hundred different ways.In how he fussed over Dick’s safety; how he cooked and cleaned for him; how he would rub Dick’s sore muscles without being asked.But he knew there was something different about actually saying those words, about hearing them spoken out loud.

Dick shuddered and the movement hit something in Jason that had him going suddenly blind.He gasped and collapsed forward.He wanted that feeling again.

“I love you,” he repeated and once again Dick’s body responded with that delicious full-body shudder that caused Jason to moan something needy and embarrassing.He felt like every heart in the world was beating just beneath his skin. 

He swiped his thumbs over Dick’s eyebrows, his cheekbones, along his jaw.“I love you too damn much.No one shoulder ever love someone like this.”They started to move together and Jason felt like he might finally go mad with everything he was feeling.“I’d burn the whole damn world down for you, Dickie.”

The world suddenly tumbled about as Dick manhandled him, flipping him onto his back and those lapis eyes were boring into his own.“I don’t need you to burn anything down, Jay.I just need you.”

Jason’s soul felt too big for his body and it was like it was spilling out him just as Dick’s soul was spilling into him.Neither of them lasted long and soon they were collapsed together, panting and shaking in the shimmering afterglow.Eventually, Dick’s weight was starting to negatively impact Jason’s breathing so he started to shove him off.

“C’mon, let’s get cleaned up and go to bed.”

Dick’s stupid face lit up like the fucking Fourth of July.

-0-0-0-

Jason’s hands were glazed with a layer of sweat but Dick held one anyway.He had held his hand the whole way over to this place.He hadn’t even let go while Jason had been filling out the damn paperwork on the clipboard.While he filled it out using the fake identity Dick had made up for him and used Dick’s home address ( _their_ home address, Dick insisted).Now they were just waiting for Jason to be called back and Dick stroked his thumb rhythmically along the length of Jason’s index finger.Jason started timing his breathing to those strokes.

They were the only ones in that damn waiting room but Jason still felt like he was open and exposed, one raw screaming nerve. 

A door opened and there was a girl—because, that’s what she was a fucking _child_ , she couldn’t be any older than the replacement.She had wavy blond hair that she had swept up into a messy bun and a pen jabbed into it.She made eye contact with them both.

“Todd Pennyworth,” she called.

Jason’s grip tightened on Dick’s and Dick squeezed back.

Hearing that name spoken aloud was like Ace Chemical’s blowing up in his chest.Dick had chosen it.Jason had always been closest to Alfred.At first, Dick had suggested the name:Todd Grayson and hadn’t that sent Jason into a dizzying whirl of giddy emotions, but he’d refused.It wasn’t that he didn’t want Dick’s last name, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry the guy—he really wanted both those fucking things.But he wanted to have one aspect of their relationship be conventional and they really had gone way too fast already.So Pennyworth it was.

Dick pitched his voice low so only Jason could hear it.“You want me to go back with you?”

Jason honestly considered it but since he had agreed to this he had been set on going in alone.

He took in a deep breath and then looked over at Dick and shook his head.Dick nodded and lifted their joined hands up so he could press a lingering kiss to the back of Jason’s hand.

“I’ll be right here,” He promised, looking up at him with just his eyes and words ghosting over Jason’s hand.

Jason closed his eyes and pretended he could absorb Dick’s courage and take it with him.He released Dick’s hand and walked to the girl. 

His therapist.

They’d vetted her closely, in the way only protege’s of Bruce Wayne could.Then they had spoken directly to Leslie Thompkins, who had supervised and mentored the young woman.If there was a shrink that might work for Jason Todd this girl was it.She was a kid from the streets, just like him.Her father had even been a second-rate villain who called himself Cluemaster.She had done what Jason couldn’t.She had taken all that shit from the streets and her parent’s mistakes and forged it into something that helped rather than destroyed.She’d made fucking diamonds from her pain. 

It stung a bit, honestly, but he also respected the hell out of her for it.

“Hi,” She greeted, extending her hand.“I’m Stephanie Brown.”

“Todd,” Jason managed as he took her hand.Her grip was surprisingly firm.

“Good to meet you,” she nodded her head indicating the hallway behind her.“Right this way.”

Jason followed her as they passed a row of rooms that Jason assumed belonged to the other shrinks that worked here.She stopped at an office that had a couch and an overstuffed purple armchair next to nearly floor to ceiling window. 

“Have a seat wherever you feel comfortable.”She offered.

Jason stepped in and stopped in front of the purple chair.“What if I sat here?”He knew that was typically her spot, he could read it in her posture, the way she angled herself toward it and stepped just a slightly in that direction.He was testing, being a challenging ass, but if she couldn’t handle it then this was done.

Stephanie tilted her head from side to side dismissively.“Wherever you feel comfortable.”She repeated.

Jason frowned.She meant it.He took a seat on the black leather couch.He wasn’t done testing yet, though.He didn’t wait for her to start asking questions.

“What if I told you I’ve killed people?”Jason said, meeting those turquoise eyes.

Stephanie Brown’s gaze didn’t waver.“Do you plan on doing it again?”

That took Jason by surprise.“No?”

Stephanie crossed her legs and leaned back in her purple armchair.“Let me explain something about client-counselor confidentiality.If the people you’ve killed are already dead then there’s nothing I can do about it.There’s nothing for me to report.If you decide you want to kill more people I’ll ask some very pointed questions.If I believe you’re going to do it, I’ll narc on you—and not to the police.”She tipped her forehead and looked at him pointedly.

They both knew who she was referencing.She knew who they were.Leslie had insisted on it.

“Does that clear things up for you?”

Jason couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips.The girl had spunk, he had to give her that much.

Jason nodded.

“So, let’s start with some basics.Where’d you grow up?”

Stephanie Brown (or Steph, as she insisted) turned out to be exactly what Jason needed.She was tough as nails and took none of his shit.She also had an uncanny knack for knowing when to push him and when to ease up and just listen.There were more hierarchies and what she liked to call “experiments in coping” but inch by inch it seemed to do something. 

At first, Dick came with Jason to every session, waiting patiently in the lobby.Then Jason graduated to having Dick walk him there and then wait at a nearby coffee shop.Eventually, Jason worked his way up to making the trek all on his own.It shouldn’t have felt like the accomplishment it was but it felt like a taste of freedom.

It still felt like an uphill slog most days.But he was starting to feel less broken.It also helped that he’d stopped seeing to Joker in weeks.

On Jason’s second week of going to therapy all on his own, he came home (yeah, this was home) to Dick cursing vehemently into a smoking open stove.

“What the hell’s going on in here?”Jason demanded, laughter bubbling up and out of him.

Dick turned and his expression was abashed.“I was trying to cook dinner…so you wouldn’t have to…”

Jason’s heart swelled.He was usually sullen and cranky when he came back from therapy but today was different.Today he felt thankful to be alive.Today he felt like he could maybe build a life that wasn’t sick and green.

Laughter welled back up and swept the words out of him before he could stop them.“I love you.”

Dick stared at him with wide, blinking eyes.Jason hadn’t said those words since the night he’d decided to come home.Then Dick started smiling at him with that dopey expression he got and Jason couldn’t be bothered to care if he had just had a sappy moment.Not when he was in the home he and Dick were creating together, not with Dick walking right into his arms, and certainly not when Dick Grayson was kissing him like that.

“You’re hopeless, you know that?”Jason teased into the other man’s temple.

Dick chuckled and turned to kiss Jason’s neck.“Yeah, but you love me anyway.”

Jason sighed.“Yeah, I do.I really do.”

Dick made a triumphant sound and bit and sucked at Jason’s neck.(That was going to leave a mark, goddamn him…).

“Love you too,” Dick sighed happily.

Jason pecked Dick’s hair and then pulled away to turn off the fire alarm before Dick’s culinary disaster could set it off.

“So, pizza?”Dick asked cheerily as he walked over to get his phone.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if this is the end of this series, you've all inspired me before.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this fic half as much as I loved writing it.


End file.
